weirdos (reflections from clinical psychologists/narrative therapists and one of our clients)

Recently we have been having conversations with several people who have come to know themselves and refer to themselves as “weirdos”. It seems to be used as a reason for why they don’t fit into “normal” society, and whilst for some people there is a certain pride associated with the term, for all there is a deeply held belief of not belonging, fitting in, being suitable for society. 

The definition of weird in the Oxford Dictionary is “something supernatural; unearthly”. This has us thinking about spirits, ghosts, beings on other planets… women acting outside of many benchmarks of the “norm” who were deemed “witches”, homosexuals when homosexuality was illegal (it was unnatural right?), oh hang on- homosexuality in many countries is still illegal, women with learning disabilities who were sterilised so as not to pass on this otherness, autistic children were once believed to be dehumanised, the fault of stone cold mothers. 

There is a trend here, what is deemed “normal”, “natural” “earthly” is not fixed, but is rather something that changes over time and in different geographical locations according to different political, historical and social landscapes. Abnormal is not something within people, but within society’s definition of what is normal and abnormal at that particular time (the idea of “the norm” coming into existence in the Victorian era).

Benchmarks of what is “normal” and “abnormal” permeate society- in ideas about adulthood, being a woman, a mother, someone of value, they exist in categorisations of disorders (what sits outside of the norms of behaviour). These have been set by people with power- on foundations of classism, racism, patriarchy, ableism. The potency of these benchmarks is that they become internalised standards by which we judge ourselves. They become the internalised gaze. The gaze by which we judge ourselves to be normal or…“weird”.

Throughout history, it is often professionals- psychologists, psychiatrists, other mental health professionals- who have been responsible for setting the benchmarks of normal and abnormal in society. They set criteria for what is normal behaviour and what lies outside of this (if enough checkpoints exist) constitute “abnormal” or “disordered”. But, as illustrated, these are not fixed characteristics, but determined by a social and cultural context. Yet the power of these discourses is that their contextual determinants are invisible. 

There is a sense that “weirdos” may do things outside of the standards of “normal”. The teenagers girls not subscribing to expectations of patriarchy in not wearing makeup when all their classmates were, those finding homes in niche worlds of anime and kanji when they didn’t find a place in the typically “cool” activities, women valuing independence and choosing not to have children (no one ever asks “why did you have children” but I’ve heard “why haven’t you” is a pretty common one!)

This leads us to wonder… are these behaviours weird? Or are these acts of resistance, autonomy, creativity in the face of a world that gives power to those are white, privileged, neurotypical, male, not fat, attractive? Are these weirdos actually “resistors of modern power” (or something else?). Are these people choosing to not internalise societies gaze, that sets so many benchmarks for which the majority are judging themselves against?

It strikes me these “weirdos” have some skills and knowledges that society could do with consulting a bit more! 

I consulted someone we have been in conversations with (“H”)- a self-proclaimed weirdo- for her views on being a weird:

F: What does it mean to you to be a “weirdo”? Is this the right name for it?

H: I see it as a good thing these days. I really gel with other people who are weird. I used to hate it because I only ever wanted to be interested in what my friends were. I wanted to get super excited about these niche things with my friends and they were like, “what?” When i was super excited about a cartoon or a video game, it was just so uncool. I was a kid growing up in noughties- it was not a thing. Now i notice there are so many more weirdos, I am so happy about this. Anime in my time was weird, in some respects it still in, but it’s also more mainstream. Super popstars and celebrities are admitting they watch anime and talk excitedly. When I hear it I am like “Yeh we need more of that!”

Being weird is my happy place. I wish I had been this confident about it when I was young. When I embrace these weird aspects about me it doesn’t bother me anymore. It’s what makes me happy and it bleeds into everything else. I notice other people get happier too and this always comes out of me enjoying my weirdness for a moment or two. It’s like my tool, my super power.

F: What’s it like to be a “weirdo”?

H: It can be difficult to find weirdos just like you, it can be very lonely. The whole definition of weirdos is you feel like the odd one out. But when you realise you can make it a superpower and that there are things that don’t bring others joy as easily as they bring joy to you, that’s when you realise it’s something special. Like, one of the things i have been doing to manage anxiety is putting on one of my favourite songs and it just makes me so so happy. I notice it these things don’t make non-weirdos as happy, or feel emotions as strongly, but it gives me emotions that are so strong, such strong joy. It’s a way i can get out of my own miserableness, I really use it as a superpower. It’s also fun to know about things that other people don’t. A friend once said to me, it’s amazing you have all of this knowledge and find joy in all of these things that I won’t understand in the same way. My humour comes from being a weirdo. 

F: When did you discover this or have you always known? And how has your relationship with being a weirdo changed or not changed over time?

H: It’s hard to realise when you are. When people started making fun of me I guess. I didn’t like girlie things. This was very odd. I only wanted to play computer games. I got so bored when friends were talking about boys and putting make-up on. I would race to go back home and play Nintendo. My mum thought it was a phase. We didn’t have much money and when I asked for a computer game she would say “no”. I later asked why she didnt and she said she thought it was just a phase and that i’d get into normal things soon.

Then i used to start hiding it when i realised it was odd and tried to pretending to be into makeup so people would think I was normal. I consider this a time in my life when i was depressed. I just didn’t enjoy it and so just ended up spending time by myself at home. Until i found a pocket in the  online community who would embrace my weird. They became my friends, dear friends. And I felt ok again.

F: Are you aware of other members? If I think I might be one or know others who might like to join or feel similarly what might it be useful for them to know? What words of wisdom from your experiences might you want to share with them? 

H: I think the globalisation of the internet has increased the number of weirdos and made things cooler. Anime has become more mainstream and this has inspired others. One thing I often hear in the Anime community is that so many are connected to anime because of personal problems in their life. Anime was their solace. It is more embraced now, even though there is still a long way to go. 

I would tell others to find your people, find your community. Find people who love things as much as you do. I find people online, watch youtubers. Some people live in situations where they have no-one around them who appreciates their interests, but there are ways to find community. “Discord community” on Twitch: it’s like forums where you can find communities. These people can become dear friends. You can still have your other friends, but these people can be your outlet. It can lead you to be braver. 

F: Is your membership something you keep private or is it shared/known about? And why?

H: The only people who knew I was odd were my family, but no-one else, none of my friends know I am interested in these things. But when i got really brave was when i met my boyfriend online and we started talking and I saw a street fighter doll (Ryu) in a picture of his living room. I started saying “is that a Street Fighter? I used to play that” (“used to haha”) and he was like “did you?” and then it led to… “I am watching this Anime show”… and then I realised I could tell him as i realised he was also a weirdo and a geek. This was why he liked me which i was super chuffed about. If you embrace it and take brave steps you can find your person/people, good things can happen. 

F: Is membership self-appointed? How can one join!? 

Being weird in the way I am weird is more acceptable in society. But there are other groups who even I might find weird, their interests may be less acceptable (at this point in society) and they still have a long way to with society accepting them.

Society brands you as weird or not weird. But you can take it to mean whatever you want. That’s what I have tried to do. I used to be ashamed and now I think it is great to be strange in whatever way you are strange, as long as it’s not harming anyone else. In you being happy you will make others happy and it will make hardships in your life easier to deal with. 

F: Are there ways you celebrate being part of this club? (privately or with others)   

H: I celebrate by attending Comic Con (comic convention) and I now am so happy I have my partner to celebrate it with me. I thought he would find it “out there”, because it is really out there. But we always do it and it’s how we celebrate it together. We find so much joy, no matter what is going on we always attend that. It embraces nerd culture, so if you feel a bit nerdy there will be a community there for you who congregate together. There’s a place for everyone there. A lot of people with neurodivergence attend too, they get to share. They often have things they are really passionate about and there are ways here to share your passions with others.

If you identify as a weirdo can we ask you a few questions:

​​What does it mean to you to be a “weirdo”? 

Is there another name for it?

What has it made possible in your life?

What advice would you give to fellow weirdos who society has feeling like they don’t fit in?